....

Bah! Hello! Been feeling a bit shit lately, since I failed in America and came back. I was supposed to be out there 3 months, but only lasted 1. I don't know what happened, I still don't quite know how I felt while I was out there, but I didn't want to come home, but I kinda got left with no choice by my boss, she didn't want me around in the mood I was in most days so I was basically sent home by them and kinda made the decision to come home. It's hard to explain, and like I said, I don't know what happened. And then, when I came home, everything seemed to pile on top of me, I started thinking about my future and my future jobs and where I'm gonna live and those type of things and it brought me right down, I was even very tempted to drop out of uni. I have no job, no money and a big debt! I was in a place that I hadn't been for a while, and it's taken me a while to climb back outta that pit. But I'm there now, more or less, but it won't take much to knock me back on my ass!

In other news, I seem to be attracting all the wrong guys, or at least I think I am, I'm not very good a reading situations, but this guy seems to have been flirting with me, a lot in the last 24 hours, but he's married! I don't know what to do. And then there's this other guys, he's sweet and fun to talk to, but I don't know if I can trust him. In all honesty, after what happened with the last guy I opened up to, I'm petrified of opening up to another guy that way again. I was never that confident with guys before all that happened, but now, what confidence I did have, it's all gone to hell, and I have no idea how to get it back, or even if I ever will. I truly do hate him, and I wish he could feel or see at least a third of the pain he's put me through by being a complete jackass! I wish I could make him see that, yes I loved him, but no I would never jeopardaise  any of his relationships, I was never that selfish, still ain't. I wish him all the happiness in the world, I just wish he'd handled things in a different way, wish that he hadn't ripped out my heart, torn it into piece, shat on it and then stamped it into the dirt. I've said many times before that he can shove it if he ever tries to come back, but I know that without a doubt I will hold my arms open and welcome him back. I just wish I was able to turn my back on him as completely as he turned his back on me. Or that I could find a way to trust another guy and he could show me the way forward, show me that it's  OK to love someone again, and that I won't get hurt again, but, again, I don't know if I can, not yet anyway, even after 7 months.

Just me ranting.......again!

I know I rant alot on here, but I haven't got anywhere else or anyone else to rant to.

Uni's a pile of shite this year! I really can't see myself passing this year, I'm doing great in my practicals but my written work is pulling my marks down. -_- Doesn't help when you get exams that are based mostly on opinions!  It really sucks that we can't pick our subjects!! But I suppose it'll be worth it when I finally graduate and get out there doing what I want to do.

On another note, still no word from that thing I used to call a friend. Just that he hasn't deleted facebook, he just blocked me and my friends. He forgot one of my friends dads and he can still see him. And the biggest joke of all! I'm still on his "friends list" on twitter!!!! As much as I want to hate him, and yell at him and just hit him, I can't find it within myself. I wish I could move on and forget him, go out and let myself feel for others what i feel for him, but it's as if he's got his foot on me and I can't get out from under him. I wish there was a way to just tell him how much he hurt me when he walked away from me in the way that he did. Just because I showed him how I felt. I know not all guys are like this, but I am finding it really hard to trust anyone again. I met this really fantastic guy but I'm too scared to tell him how I feel because I don't think I'd be able to take getting hurt again. I really wish that I could get on with things and forget about him, like he did with me.

It's gonna be a long semister

Hey!, I haven't written in a while, so I thought I'd offload a bit here, things are getting pretty stressful and seens and my supposed best friend still doesn't want anything to do with me I need a new avenue to vent on!

So yeah, as the title suggests, i'm gonna rant about uni! It's not looking good for me so far this year, already failed two assignments, one not too bad and one was failed EPICALLY! and it's just making me think, once again, why am I here? I honestly can't see me passing this year and it's getting me down and I'm finding it hard to get motivated now to do the rest of my assignments, it doesn't help when my group is given an incredibly short time to do an assignment while the other 2 groups have a stupidly long time to do it. I mean he could have at least staggered the setting dates so that we could all have the same amount of time to do it in, but no, we have 2 weeks, the next group has 6 weeks and the last has 8! how the hell is that fair?

Anyway, a good note, I met a guy a few weeks ago, and he's cute and funny, and he seems to like me, but I don't know how deep that goes, suppose I better just go with the flow and see where it takes me!

Oh well
Peace out until next time!! xx

why did I do it?

Ok so in June I went on holidays with my best friend, and I didn't ask him to come for this reason, it just happened, but the feelings that I used to have for him flared up while we were away, so I took the chance to test the boundaries of our friendship, to see if there was anything between us, or if I should just give up, I should have given up, the feelings weren't really there on either side, I don't know what it was. I found out yesterday that this had made him uncomfortable, and now he doesn't really want to have anything to do with me any more. He's been distant with me since we got back, but I thought it was because he got a new girlfriend not long after we got back, but he told me that it was because of how I acted. I feel sick with myself, I should never have done this. The one reason that I didn't act on the feelings I thought I had any time before June was because I didn't want to ruin our friendship, he meant to much to me to loose, but I've gone and blown it and lost him. I want to kick myself, go back to June and scream at myself, but I can't, and now I'm stuck with a hole where my best friend used to be, and it's killing me. I used him for support more than he ever knew, when things piled up on me, he was the one I would go to, to chat to.

And the ironic thing? If this was happening with anyone else he would be the one I'd be talking it through with, not here, but I suppose I'm gonna have to get used to this. I don't think I can fix this, and if I could I wouldn't know how. So I suppose all I can say is thank you for the years that you gave me, and I'm sorry!

Oh My God!

Ok, so this is gonna be me having a bit of a rant about a certain house mate! You are doing my head in! You're not thinking of anyone but yourself! You know none of us have much money yet you continue to have a bath everyday and insist on putting the heating on for ages, even after the house has warmed up plenty! You do all this knowing it's going to send our gas bill up and we're going to struggle to pay it! You also don't check who's going to be in when you plan on making a meal! You take the food out to defrost and then when you come to cook it THEN you find out whether we're in or not, therefore wasting food! And this morning, I get woken up by you're friend coming in and shouting up the stairs, granted she didn't know we were in bed, and it's not that which annoyed me, I post up that I got woken up and you have a go at me for stating this fact! ARE YOU A CHILD! I was stating something, I wasn't having a go at you or your friend! Don't have a go at me for nothing!

You wanna have a go?

Come do it to my fucking face! Don't hide behind the net!