why did I do it?

Ok so in June I went on holidays with my best friend, and I didn't ask him to come for this reason, it just happened, but the feelings that I used to have for him flared up while we were away, so I took the chance to test the boundaries of our friendship, to see if there was anything between us, or if I should just give up, I should have given up, the feelings weren't really there on either side, I don't know what it was. I found out yesterday that this had made him uncomfortable, and now he doesn't really want to have anything to do with me any more. He's been distant with me since we got back, but I thought it was because he got a new girlfriend not long after we got back, but he told me that it was because of how I acted. I feel sick with myself, I should never have done this. The one reason that I didn't act on the feelings I thought I had any time before June was because I didn't want to ruin our friendship, he meant to much to me to loose, but I've gone and blown it and lost him. I want to kick myself, go back to June and scream at myself, but I can't, and now I'm stuck with a hole where my best friend used to be, and it's killing me. I used him for support more than he ever knew, when things piled up on me, he was the one I would go to, to chat to.

And the ironic thing? If this was happening with anyone else he would be the one I'd be talking it through with, not here, but I suppose I'm gonna have to get used to this. I don't think I can fix this, and if I could I wouldn't know how. So I suppose all I can say is thank you for the years that you gave me, and I'm sorry!