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Bah! Hello! Been feeling a bit shit lately, since I failed in America and came back. I was supposed to be out there 3 months, but only lasted 1. I don't know what happened, I still don't quite know how I felt while I was out there, but I didn't want to come home, but I kinda got left with no choice by my boss, she didn't want me around in the mood I was in most days so I was basically sent home by them and kinda made the decision to come home. It's hard to explain, and like I said, I don't know what happened. And then, when I came home, everything seemed to pile on top of me, I started thinking about my future and my future jobs and where I'm gonna live and those type of things and it brought me right down, I was even very tempted to drop out of uni. I have no job, no money and a big debt! I was in a place that I hadn't been for a while, and it's taken me a while to climb back outta that pit. But I'm there now, more or less, but it won't take much to knock me back on my ass!

In other news, I seem to be attracting all the wrong guys, or at least I think I am, I'm not very good a reading situations, but this guy seems to have been flirting with me, a lot in the last 24 hours, but he's married! I don't know what to do. And then there's this other guys, he's sweet and fun to talk to, but I don't know if I can trust him. In all honesty, after what happened with the last guy I opened up to, I'm petrified of opening up to another guy that way again. I was never that confident with guys before all that happened, but now, what confidence I did have, it's all gone to hell, and I have no idea how to get it back, or even if I ever will. I truly do hate him, and I wish he could feel or see at least a third of the pain he's put me through by being a complete jackass! I wish I could make him see that, yes I loved him, but no I would never jeopardaise  any of his relationships, I was never that selfish, still ain't. I wish him all the happiness in the world, I just wish he'd handled things in a different way, wish that he hadn't ripped out my heart, torn it into piece, shat on it and then stamped it into the dirt. I've said many times before that he can shove it if he ever tries to come back, but I know that without a doubt I will hold my arms open and welcome him back. I just wish I was able to turn my back on him as completely as he turned his back on me. Or that I could find a way to trust another guy and he could show me the way forward, show me that it's  OK to love someone again, and that I won't get hurt again, but, again, I don't know if I can, not yet anyway, even after 7 months.